Some of us struggle because our fathers were emotionally unavailable, unable to show us love. Physically present, but emotionally absent. Some because our fathers were abusive or neglectful, harmed us body, soul and spirit and did not provide protection and shelter for us. And some struggle because our fathers abandoned us altogether and we did not have them in our lives.

For me the latter is the case. All of my life I longed for a father. I remember as a child hearing from my mother that my father had issues with alcohol, and was an alcoholic. I remember walking down the street in a bigger city and seeing homeless men, “bums” as my mother referred to them, on street corners or sleeping on a stoop, and fearing that one would talk to me and identify himself as my father.

For most of my life I have struggled to know God as Father. To trust that He will be there for me. That He will love and protect me. For those who have had “good-enough” fathers, you are blessed, and likely have a head start on knowing and trusting God the Father. (In my work in mental health the research tells us that all that children really need are "good enough" parents, not perfect ones, to be emotionally healthy.) For those of us who have not, it may affect how we see ourselves and our relationship to God our Father. For me, for many years I was unable to pray to God as Father.

I have since opened up my heart to face this pain, and for healing. I am learning to truly accept that God loves me and will not reject me. And God is faithful. He promises in His word:

Psalm 27:10 When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the LORD will take care of me.

Psalm 68:5 A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows, Is God in His holy habitation.

I know that God can use it all for good, and has. I believe that the experience of being abandoned by my father has caused me to be more compassionate, accepting and tolerant of people. I am able to accept the difficult things that people experience and sit with them in their pain. I know that God allowed this in my life. It is not His best for me, but He allowed it and can use it for good. I am grateful for His intervention in my life, His love and His faithfulness. And His ability to bring beauty from ashes.